A METAPHOR FOR I DON'T KNOW WHAT

(Mark) 'I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears.
'Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes is the answer to that.
'Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants - that's the rule.
'Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.'
- (Jez whistling) - 'He just does not give one solitary shit.'
(Jez) 'Yeah, take that, big Suze.
'Your toilet-seat regime is over.
'Ah, freedom! '
(Mark) 'Brown for first course, white for pudding.
'Brown is savoury, white's the treat. (Chuckling)'
'I'm the one who's laughing because I love brown toast.'
(Jez groaning) 'There he is.'
- Dr J! - Good morning, Mark.
Sorry I didn't hook up with you and Super Hans...
- (Jez) 'Wedge of ballast, then bed again.' - Barbara pops up. "Is the file ready?"
'It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars but red hot.
'What if Mum and Dad were trapped in one
'and I had a hook to rescue one of them - who would I pick? '
I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news.
We need a clerical assistant and I've swung you an interview.
- Uh-huh. - 'Clerical assistant?
'I can't be a clerical assistant. I'm a musician.
'You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry.'
So is tomorrow at 11 all right?
Tomorrow at 11. Yeah, sure. I'll set the video.
- 'Don't joke.' - 'I'm not.'
It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us together -
Jez and Mez, the El Dude Brothers.
It's just the music. It's really starting to hot up.
You know how much I respect your music. It's just...
Super Hans got a bass loop for our track that is so good
that when he tried turning it off, he physically couldn't do it.
I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron
but, you know, there's a limit.
Oh. The rent.
I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow.
- It's just... - Don't worry, you'll get your milk.
- This track's a banker. - (? TV: Somethin' Stupid)
- Everybody needs a Somethin' Stupid. - Sorry?
The guy who wrote that,
he's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.
- Right. - Blimey, what's God up to?
- 'So let's do just a... ' - Just in case the song doesn't work out,
maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.
Hmm.
Think about it. And have a great day. Yeah?
- See you tonight. - Yeah, cool. Have a good one.
- You, too, mate. - Bye, mate.
(Mark) 'Work-shy freeloader.'
(Jez) 'Tight-fisted cock-muncher.'
'Next time I have breakfast, he'll make me sit a fucking exam.'
(Mark) 'I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today? '
- 'I really should ask her out for lunch.' - Can you hold that?
'You bastard.'
Thanks(!) Third floor?
'I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no.'
'Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.'
There is a notice about only riding the lift to the first floor.
You're wasting mine and other people's time, not to mention...
Oh. Er, OK.
'People like him should wear stickers. Their cars have them.
'Oh, yeah. Great idea, Adolf.'
- Morning, Mark. - Hey, Sophie.
- 'Go on, ask her! ' - Sophie, are you...?
I mean, would...?
How's your day going thus far? Have a nice shower or bath?
- Why? Do I smell? - God, no, you don't.
I mean, you smell nice - not that I've smelt you.
Oh... See ya.
Later, potater.
'Oh, potater. What have I become? '
(Jez) 'Super Hans said he'll be here in 20 minutes. Means I've got an hour.
'I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.'
(Mark) 'OK, where's today's cartoon? '
'Mm, not bad.
'No discernible romantic overtones.
'OK, pen, let's flirt with Sophie... '
(Jez) 'Mark's got no conception. He thinks I'm so...
'But I'm busting my creative balls here, day in, day out.
'No, but it's all, "Where's the money? Where's my rent?
"'The rent, Mr Jim Morrison? Mr Keats?"
"'No, you don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr Keats?"
'Hold on... I think I've struck the motherload! '
(Mark) 'What the hell is that?
'That is very gay. That's what that is.
'Come on, go crazy! You're hungry like the wolf.'
(Jez) "'Fantasy Figure Modeller."
'Jesus. Maybe this is his porn.'
(Mark) 'I'm giving her a love heart.
'Yes, that's... good.
'No, no, it's not good. It's terrible.
'Think "crazy horse", think "in your face". What would Jeremy do?
(Chuckling) 'Yeah, that's it.
'Loves the Nazis. Yeah, crazy love.
'Nazi love. I'm a nutter! '
(Jez) 'I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf
'so she might be...
"'Ohh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin."
'Oh, yeah...
'Pixie ears.
'But that sword. What if she was a hobbit slayer?
'I'd just use my enchanted amulet.
'Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer.
'You will touch my magic cock.'
(Mark) '? And then I go and seal the deal
'? By doing something wicked like this cartoon?
'Swastika love.
'It's bloody mental.'
(? Dirty jungle riff)
(? Riff screaming?)
- So what do you think? - I dunno.
- Yeah, it's zzzhhhh! In your face. - It's just...
- (Music off) - I don't like it.
No, well, I do.
- I just don't. - Oh, right. This is it, is it?
- The end of the Hair Blair Bunch. - We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.
- Whatever. Spunk Bubble. - Momma's Kumquat.
No, it's not. I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat.
Look, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.
This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit?
One minute, it's all, "I love ya, man," the next, it's, "Where's that 50 quid?"
- I'm just saying I need money... - Listen, mate.
Shit is as shit does, my friend.
Look, this is bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch go.
We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!
(Mark) 'A bloody swastika. That is the single worst single bloody idea ever.
'I mean, a swastika!
'It's gone. It's happened.
'Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do. Thanks, Jeremy. You tit.'
(Jez) 'Yeah, perfect plan. "I want to fax this off. Oh, Toni, I feel tired."
"'Let's just both lie down on your bed."
'Hope she gets out the bong, not the cafetiere.'
I was wondering. You're an urban, switched-on lady.
You've probably got a fax machine, right?
A fax machine? Right, like I'd have a fax machine.
Have you just come from the 1980s?
It's like The Spaceman And King Arthur, but in reverse.
Yeah. I've just got this crappy job application.
Right. OK.
Tell me something, Jeremy.
Have you ever tried washing up without using washing-up liquid?
What? Has Mark been talking to you?
Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush,
a sponge or a scouring pad?
- I don't think so. - So what you're saying is
these products are essential - products no one could do without?
Well, you're kind of making me say that but...
The first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK?
Right. Good.
What's pyramid selling?
(Mark) 'Enter the pit of Sarlak, little crisps.
'She's ignoring me.
'Of course, she's ignoring me. I sent her a swastika.
'Jesus! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and...
'Relax, Mark. You're not Hitler in his bunker.
'He was really under the cosh.
'Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend. OK, enough mooning.
'Let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.'
I mean, does that look like a pyramid to you?
Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.
And... it's like a big, lovely club with free money for everyone?
- It sounds great, but... - Free money for everyone.
Ha! Look out the window. That'll never happen in this old world.
No, see, the early birds
are going to find their bird table covered in money pie.
- Right... - But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys,
they get a slice of the pie but then they look closer
and - oh, dear - it's only pastry.
Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally.
Are you with me?
(Mark) 'BIown it with Sophie. Who's next?
'Big Suze?
'Never met her. Not necessarily a disadvantage.
'Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?!
'Every night... Ah, it always comes out eventually. Fuck it.'
- Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon. - Oh, I'm so... You did?
Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel, right?
And... she's handing me this heart of holiday pay
but in the heart, it's just...
- Race hate? - Exactly.
That's so Barbara. She's such a racist.
Huh, huh. Right. Exactly.
Listen, Sophie, I was wondering if I could get your home number.
I mean, for work, in case I need to swap a shift or... That is, if you don't...
No, I don't, if that's what you want.
'She's actually writing it.'
There you go. See you later.
Oh, hang on. This isn't enough numbers.
Oh, no, it is enough numbers.
'Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.'
'One step out of line. The slightest hint of maverick behaviour and you're out.'
Exactly. If it's such a bad thing to do things by the book, there'd be no book.
(Mark) 'Must keep an eye on him if he gets it. JLB doesn't need a maverick.'
- So anyway, things went rather well - - I bet he did it.
Oh, what? Just because he's black?
No, I mean, not because...
- He was at the garage at the beginning. - I know what you meant.
Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.
We know he's the only one with the key to the lock-up.
So do you think I should give her a call? I probably should.
- I don't know if I should. - Maybe you should.
OK, listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call.
- If he's doing trees or critters, I won't. - All right, let God decide. Ready?
Yeah, sky!
Right, here goes.
(God) 'And with a large brush, I'm gonna... '
(Police show) 'The following names were presented to us by temping agencies.'
- Answerphone. - Ah, you see!
He did do it, but for a nice reason.
Who's the racist now, Mark?
Er, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist.
Far from it.
Anyway...
It's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording
but you have got a bloody nice voice
and... (Laughs lamely)
God, I just called up to say hi and then...
? Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like...
? I like you?
I mean, not that.
But anyway...
I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so...
I know it's not really your job but...
You know, so... See you tomorrow.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Oh, fuck! - Oh, my God.
- Jesus! - I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it?
Maybe it was charming.
- It was the behaviour of an oddball. - No, not an oddball. A maverick.
You may not play by the rules, but...
by Christ, you get results.
Come on, let's go and have a drink. Forget about it.
Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?
- No. - Right.
How much washing-up do you think you could do without washing-up liquid?
- I'm sorry? - Exactly. And friends and colleagues?
Everyone needs cleaning products
and that's never gonna change, right?
- Why are you talking like this? - Very interesting question.
The first thing to say is that this is not pyramid selling.
- You're doing pyramid selling? - Not pyramid selling.
- I can't believe you're pyramid selling. - Listen, it's not, it's network marketing
and it's a guaranteed money-making...
- I've seen the charts. - Oh, the charts.
- You didn't tell me about the charts! - Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?
I'm trying to protect you from...
pissing all over yourself.
I'm not about to piss all over myself. I'm...
I'm pissing... into the big time.
- You're still coming to the interview. - Well, I thought...
Listen, Jeremy. You don't understand. Nothing you want will ever happen.
That's the real world. Your hair isn't red. People don't walk on stilts.
Maybe somewhere, you can earn a living drinking margaritas through a straw
but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
But if you get in early...
Come Friday, you will owe me three months' rent.
You're coming to the interview.
OK.
(Jez) 'I'll come to the interview, all right, but I won't be getting the job.'
- (Grunt of laughter) - What?
Er, nothing, just...
something funny.
Can you...?
(Mark) 'Maybe she did find it charming. Yeah, maybe.
'Just work out her... I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it
'because he's a crackhead and he does that all the time.
'Yeah, that sounds great - me in my crack house. You can be a crack bitch
'and sit on my... Shit!
'Shit, piss, poo, pants, bollocks. Yes, blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes!
'You can't touch me in the Ardennes, concealed in the cupboard.
'Everything's OK in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.'
Mark?
- You're in the stationery cupboard. - That's right, Jeff.
OK... Right.
Well...
- I hope you're having a good time. - Yeah, well...
Hi, Mark.
Hi... Sophie.
I'm just in the cupboard right now.
- About the message, we'll talk later, OK? - Er, yeah, fine.
(Muffled scream)
(Jez) 'Here we go. Operation Come Over Like An Unemployable Freak.'
Jeremy Osbourne?
Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?
Right you are.
I might wobble because I'm a bit pissed from last night
and I don't want to get your hopes up cos I must say...
- I'm only really here because... - Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.
- (Jez) 'Oh, shit.' - Mark would be one of your managers.
(Jez) 'Must be careful. Don't want the job or to piss off the land baron.'
(Mark) 'He looks like crap.'
We have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak
and kept everything above board.
So if I can outline the basic requirements of the role you'll be undertaking.
You'll be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system.
That may not sound important but the truth is...
(Jez) 'Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious.
'I'm Di, she's Bashir.'
...whole company communicates...
(Mark) 'He'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters fine,
'plus I'll be able to order him around.
'Not horrible, just... "Jeremy, could you file this for me?
"'Jeremy, could you take that for me?
"'Jeremy, could you suck this for me..." Jesus! Where did that come from? '
It's a valuable asset. Do you have any experience in this field?
Er, I've done quite a lot, actually.
I mean, not formal filing but alphabeti-pi-cising the videos,
doing the spices...
I'd want to build on that experience in a professional zone.
Sphere. I meant sphere.
(Jez) 'God, that sounded amazing! Don't accidentally get the bugger.'
We're doing great.
So, I see you used to be a nurse.
Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?
Yeah, I suppose it would, actually,
although I'm looking for something more relaxing.
Challenging. He means, challenging.
- I expect Jeremy knows what he means. - Yes, right.
No, challenging is right
but a bit more of a relaxing challenge.
More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
- Right. - (Jez) 'Oh, shit.
'My natural bloody charm's only swinging it. Got to do something.'
- Are you OK? - What?
- It's just a thing I have. - What thing?
Facial spasming.
Facial spa... You do not have...
- I do... sometimes. - Well, er...
I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?
Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is.
How much washing-up do you think you could do without any washing-up liquid?
- No, Jeremy. - Where's this...?
- It's a unique business opportunity. - It's pyramid selling.
- It's not pyramid selling, Mark. - It is.
- You're making a fool of yourself. - You're pissing on my bonfire!
- There is no bonfire! - Because you keep pissing on it!
Sheesh. This is low. This is really low.
Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.
What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!
OK...
Well, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.
(Mark) 'Well, that was a fucking disaster. I want reparations - brutal reparations!
'I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again.
'Fuck the inevitable backlash!
'OK. It's OK, Mark. Later.
'Now, calm.
'Calm, honest and mature.'
Hi, Sophie.
Hey, Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate.
- Oh... yeah? - He kept talking about washing up.
- Very funny. Like Jim Carrey. - Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean.
'Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy.'
But listen, Sophie...
About the message last night. I want to kind of come clean really.
It's a bit embarrassing but...
Well...
the thing is...
Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife.
- He's obviously not a crackhead but... - Uh-huh. OK.
Yeah.
Look, you don't have to... About the phone message,
- you don't have to be embarrassed. - I don't?
- No, it's just one of those things. - Is it? It is?
Oh, right. Fantastic.
And... you haven't told anyone about it?
Of course not.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. - 'Calm down. She's not Pontius Pilate.'
Yeah, well, you know...
The truth is...
The truth is I suppose...
I like you.
That's why I said the song. I like you.
Is that such a crime?
Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth just for liking you?
I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just...
you know...
fuck off.
No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.
Good.
Right, excellent. OK.
Bye.
Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy.
He was quite the find.
Er, yeah...
Right, I'm really sorry. I mean, I thought it would be a good...
that he might... but...
Hey! Hey, there!
(Shouts) Feeling better now, are we? Fully recovered?
Hey, I see you!
I see you!
He used to have a limp!
I mean, he pretended to have a limp.
He's a faking little pegleg!
(Lift bell tings)
Hi, Jeff.
'Well, fuck you if you're not doing small talk. I'm not helping.
'Let's die together.'
(Silence)
? And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like
? I like you?
(Peters and Lee) ? And then I go and spoil it all
? By saying something stupid like I love you
? I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies
? You heard the night before
? And though it's just a line to you For me, it's true
? And never seems so...?
(Record scratches off)